Home > Humor, Misc. > …and then, I’ll rule the world!

…and then, I’ll rule the world!

If you were a super-villain, what would you want? Money, power, ice cream, or perhaps monkeys?

What about to rule the world?

It seems time and time again, uncreative video game designers continually spit out super-villains with only this vague goal. Kudos to villains like Dr. Weil (Megaman Zero 3-4), who wants to exert revenge on those who caused his exile and suffering, and the Joker (The Dark Night/Batman in general) who makes various philosophical points while enjoying random destruction. Even Dr. Dreyfus (Pink Panther Strikes Again) simply wanted to kill his rival and object of psychiatric obsession, Clouseau.

But what about villains like Dr. Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog series), who continually tries to steal the chaos emeralds to rule the world, and Dr. Wily (Megaman series), who continually reprograms 8 robots to take over the world (and feed his unhealthy obsession with killing megaman)? Do they really have the right idea?

To find out, let’s have a look at the life of one lucky villain who realizes his ruling-the-world goal.

Let’s name our super-villain Deathman. So Deathman has just been appointed ruler of the world, after all the countries in the world surrendered. I’ll ignore the scenario in which Deathman would have been forced to use his giant death ray which would have destroyed half the world if anyone hadn’t surrendered for another three hours, because in the case that he had to use it and destroyed half the world, the remaining portion of the world would have been thrown off orbit due to loss of mass leading to climate change and ultimately mass devastation.

So Deathman is inaugurated. He finally sits down in his throne. His robot guards stand on his side. What to do first?

Deathman asks for an elaborate feast. Now what?

Deathman asks for beautiful women. Now what?

Deathman asks for an entire treasury full of money. But then he realizes that as ruler of the world, he can just take whatever he wants anyways.

Then Deathman gets bored and goes to sleep.

In addition, how exactly is one person supposed to keep all the countries of the world from joining together in one huge revolt and sooner or later killing that one person, or blowing up his palace? By fortifying, perhaps.

One morning, Deathman realizes his vulnerability to a world-scale attack on his palace, so he begins fortifying. He stays inside the palace all day, every day, simply giving orders from his room to the robots which relay them to the outside world. In addition, he had to remain in a room that was placed away from the outside of the palace (in order to avoid possibility of a long range sniper attack) which meant no windows. The fortifications are successful; no attack was ever able to reach Deathman, so he remains alive.

However, shut away so deeply from all human contact, Deathman goes mad, and shut away from all sunlight he develops depression, eventually causing a total mental and emotional breakdown. Deathman becomes unable to give any orders to the robots, so they can’t function and the new world order falls apart. The humans of the world eventually realize that they are no longer oppressed, and rebuild the societies they once knew.

Perhaps Deathman could have appointed a successor, but anyone else would have shared his fate. He could have lived a normal life as an accountant or a lawyer or an astronomer, but he decided to rule the world, and paid the price. Perhaps after reading this, Dr. Eggman will finally give it up. It’s not like ANYTHING he does ever works anyways.

Well that’s all for my overly-picky analysis of “rule the world” villains. Write your thoughts, I’m curious.

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